Late the other night I stumbled through the front door sometime around 3 am. After a long hard day at school, with a mid-term thrown in for torture. I was hungry, tired and just wanted to grab something to eat and then fall on my bed and sleep for a week. In the kitchen, I gathered up a bottle of wine, a glass, some fruit, cheese and a piece of chicken, all cradled in my hands and arms, then shuffled towards my bedroom. I stopped at the doorway staring, there was a girl sleeping in my bed, wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms and a Def Leppard t-shirt that said 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'. The sheets were all twisted and she was laying cross-ways taking up nearly the entire bed. I was so tired I'd totally forgotten about my roommate. She was sound asleep and looked as comfortable as a cat stretched out sideways on its back in the sunshine. I turned around and headed for the couch.
I spread my dinner out on the coffee table, then pulled and wrestled with a couple of layers of sweaters trying to get them off, then a miserable fucking bra that had been gouging into my rib all day, finally my jeans dropped on the floor and I felt cooler and almost human again. I pulled on a huge funky old comfortable t-shirt and fell back on the couch, poured myself a glass of wine, tipped the glass to my lips and swallowed half of it in one big gulp. I grabbed the TV remote while refilling my glass, flipped on the TV to see if there was anything worth watching at this time of the morning. I skipped through a few dozen channels that were all junk, lousy movies, basic crap TV. Finally I stopped on the National Geographic (NatGeo) channel. They were showing a special on Drugs in America. I wasn't overly interested, I just wanted to eat, drink and zone out while watching some drug freaks cook up meth-amphetamines, designer drugs, crack, etc., then have the local SWAT team & BATF come crash down their front door and throw them in jail.
Just as I'm taking my first bite of a sweet juicy red watermelon, a commercial comes on with some blonde chick raving about the new gift her boyfriend gave her - a Trojan Twisting Vibrator. gahhh... WTF? are you kidding me? The smiling bubbly blonde on TV is raving on about the unit's amazing twisting action, when out of nowhere dude b/f appears, butts in and says with a smirk on his face, "we're going to have fun tonight", he winks, she giggles. I yaak'd the watermelon out in a burst of laughter all over the coffee table. As I tried to regain my composure I wondered, what was b/f dude gonna do with it? I quickly decided I didn't want to know. As the commercial drones on, the whole scene is repeated over again by several different happy female customers until the TrojanVibrations.com website is shown and the commercial ends. I'm not interested in buying one, but I get why some people do.
Now I'm not sleepy anymore either. I'm interested and wondering just WTF ELSE they allow advertisers to sell and show on late night cable TV. I'm not much of a TV watcher and particularly not at 3 am. I'm usually: asleep, studying, writing comments on dA or out at a nightclub dancing and drinking - generally burning calories, digging the music and all the chaotic lights and freaky people.
But tonight I'm curious about TV commercials. Screw the NatGeo Drug Special, I grabbed the remote and started surfing looking for commercials.
I flipped through a few more channels and found another commercial. In this one, there's a business type looking fellow in his mid 50's or 60's siting in an overstuffed chair. He tells me that he has used internal catheters for the past 25 years (to pee, ya know?) He shows a diagram of it inserted in the penis all the way until it's inside the bladder - yuk!..gahhh!.. gawd-dang !! Then they show a long tube probably 18"/40 cm long. He says "the new unique design of 'this' keeps it from scratching and irritation that normal catheters can cause." They show a magnified close up of the end of a 'normal' plastic one and it looks all jagged like a rusted beer can ripped all apart full of germs. I'm thinking, oh gahh.. who'd put that nasty looking thing .. anywhere?? .. I.. really don't want to be seeing this. Then they show the new improved smooth tip one they're selling and it looks just as gnarly but better than the rusty jagged can. I can't take it anymore, it's making me cross my legs and I'm cringing, so I quickly changed the channel.
After two minutes of watching an old 'I Love Lucy' episode, sure enough, another commercial comes on. This one has a guy walking but looking down at the ground like he lost something. He's got a good build, some muscles and he's not bad looking. The announcer says "are you over 40 and you just don't have "it".. like you used to when you were in your 20's?" The guy walking looks up like god just spoke to him, suddenly he's holding a box of Testosterone pills that are "Guaranteed to give you back that energy" you had when you were younger. It shows him holding his pills, ready to down 30 or 40 of them I'm guessing, and behind him on a beach recliner is a blonde girl stuffed in the smallest blue bikini I've ever seen, if she dare move at all she'd pop out of the top and have the bottom in her butt crack. The announcer mumbles something, I'm looking at the girl, then the commercial shows the manly testosterone filled dude running into the surf with the blonde girl. I'm thinking, if I buy these pills for dudes, do I get a cute blonde in a bikini? if so then cool deal. All mine for only $49.95 - oh, and you'll need to take these things FOREVER if you want to be ready for any action.
By now I've finished more than half the bottle of wine, I'm tipsy, tired and goofy. My roommate shuffles out of the bedroom with a blanket wrapped around her and her hair askew. She's sleepy eyed, moving and speaking in slow motion. "What are you d o o o-i n g?? What are you watching???? YOU WOKE ME UP with your goofy laughing.. HEYYYY !! ... turn the fucking TV off and come to bed - NOW !!".
I'm excited to see her in spite of her grumpy attitude. "No no, not yet, listen you've gotta see this blonde girl selling vibrators, her and her b/f.. oh gawd it's hilarious.. or, or this other dude selling Testosterone pills, you'll die laughing."
She tilted her head, lifting it up enough so I could see her eyes glaring at me. "WHAT are you doing?!? the room's a freaking mess, you SMELL LIKE A DAMN WINO. It's 4 am, COME ON, come to bed... you don't need any pills or vibrators ... you freak.." she grumbled.
"Yah, yah, I know.. I know, but you gotta see th..." her arm shot out and grabbed a hold of my t-shirt collar, tightly. She turned, started shuffling and dragging me towards our bedroom by the neck. I let out a shriek in protest, but my choice was to follow or be strangled. Scooting along behind her, I flipped off the remote, dropped it on the floor, then lurched forward grabbing her around the waist and held on tight all the way onto the bed.
Laying on the bed now, our heads on our pillows breathing heavily from our trip to the bedroom, staring at each other, her upper lip began to curl into a smile. She said,
"You're so fucking stupid."
"You're a bossy bitch" I shot back in retort, then I started into my rant about TV commercials again. "Seriously, babe, you should have se.ee..een...the...uhmm. mmm.. mmmhmmmm ...!!...!!!"
Her warm lips pressed firmly into mine.
She was right, I didn't need those things. I already had everything I needed.
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What's up fuckers ?? It's been a long time since I've written a journal.
I got sick of looking at the last one.
I hope you enjoy this, I did.
This is a little old, but true, it's from late spring in 2012.
It was a funny night I wanted to remember.
I miss nights like this one now. I'd do anything to get them back.
The only constant thing in my life is change. It's constantly changing.
♫ Song: youtu.be/mllXxyHTzfg ♥ ♪
Peace Out.
Megan
© 2013 MMArt
